Tuesday, December 29
you know, it always seems like a great idea to forge through deep snow by mooching off of someone else's previously-tred steps.
however! i made a discovery last week.
this principle does well when the powder is fresh, but not so well later.
once the sun comes out, those handy snow-holes become ice traps! at that point, it is actually SAFER to tred where no man has trod before than follow someone else's path!
you may run the risk of getting some snow in your shoes, but you won't fall nearly as often. and if you do, it'll hurt a lot less.
...in the words of Joe Fox, "It's probably a metaphor for something, but I don't know what..."
Friday, December 18
walk into any upscale bathroom and you will be met with automatic soap dispensers, motion dectecting towel dispensers and hand-dryers, self-spritzing airfresheners, etc.
but if you wander into one of the restrooms at BYU, you might feel like you've reached your do-it-for-me limit.
you can regulate my water use and restrict how much paper i get, but do NOT try and tell me how much toiletpaper i need!
an automatic toilet paper dispenser?!
is it just me, or does it seem like we're really heading to that mindless-drone-dependence-on-machiney-thing that we frequently see in Sci-Fi films?!
Tuesday, December 8
Saturday, December 5
the BIOPHOTONIC tissue SCANNER!! Ooooo!!!....Aaaaahhhh!!...
that's right folks, just place your hand over the laser, wait 90 seconds, and POOF! instantaneous results that confirm you stink at taking care of your body!
so, essentially what we all received was HARD-CORE PROOF that all of us there were, in fact,
(who else habitually lives off so little sleep, survives under sick ammounts of stress, and eats nothing but raman?!?)
need evidence?! it's RIGHT HERE!
someone healthy scores about about +40,000 (green or blue),
i scored a 25,000 (....orange).
(which the nice, single, awkwardly smiling at me tech guy assured me wasn't nearly as bad as most college students - in fact, he hinted, it was the most attractive number he'd scanned all day!...)
and last but not least, if you are dissatisfied with your anxioxident-thingy-health score, you can purchase vitamins for $100 a month to make up for your unhealthy living habits! :D YES!
may all our futures be bright with low scan-numbers, handfuls of daily tablets, and a happy refusal to eat better on our own! :D
Wednesday, December 2
my entire jr high show-choir, footnotes, was present and needed to escape.
spencer hall was particularly helpful by making witty remarks on our potentially fatal situation.
death is pretty hilarious when the right person comments on it -
i started digging through some rubble and got separated from the group,
and after some confusion,
i found myself at a banquet dinner i hadn't been invited to.
at which point, the world's largest piece of dry ice -
as big as half a football field -
was catapulted from our dining hall into the grassy field next to the mansion.
naturally, it broke and suddenly there was fog everywhere!
but through the mist i noticed the ice blocks had fallen, most inconveniently, in the middle of a burial tomb being constructed next door.
how very rude of us!!...
but the workers finished the grave-site anyway
and then, to make matters worse, the actual funeral began - with candles and chanting and dry ice fog to give it that really creepy effect.
i wondered what kind of effect the ice would have on the deceased, then concluded they probably didn't care anymore...
by this time, the sun had set and we were all supposed to go to bed.
i didn't want to go to bed.
i didn't want to sleep in a big unknown mansion next to a foggy funeral!
so i took my pillow and began flying around the ballroom.
NOT of my own volition, mind you -
the WIND was carrying me without my consent!
i blew around for a good long while until i smacked into the window sill about
20 stories off the ground.
then yes, i fell.
i managed to hit another 3-4 window sills during my fall,
but fall i did!
by the time i hit the floor, i was beaten and broken
and wondered why i wasn't covered in blood.
then reminded myself that i'd fallen on my PILLOW - so naturally, there wouldn't be any blood.
but unfortunately, i had fallen in the middle of a theatrical graduation,
where Tim Curry was the Dean and his students couldn't remember
if they were rehearsing to PERFORM a graduation scene
or if they were all actually graduating.
i was convinced i could have done a better job at
portraying the appropriate confusion,
but before i could go up and ask Tim for a chance with a cap-n-gown...
...i FINALLY woke up!!!
at which point i sighed in exhaustion and muttered,
"man...i need a nap..."