Tuesday, September 28

Memoirs of a Career Fair Booth Babe

I would like to thank everyone who came to our booth today requesting information about the amazing company I have the joy to work for.

I would also like to send out a special thank the few of you - two in specific - who made my day at your campus particularly unforgettable.

and I do mean, unforgettable.

To My Fairy-Rock-Father:
You were an inspiration to me today, Fairy-Rock-Father. The way you wandered from booth to booth to talk to companies WHILE playing your guitar and tossing your long multi-colored bangs half-way off of your face was pure creative genius. I especially loved how, when you asked me if I wrote music (and I said yes), you proceeded to serenade me – rather loudly – in the middle of the career fair. Thank you for trying to seguway into a second song by telling me you’d forgotten my name – and how that reminded you of a song you wrote about forgetting a beautiful girl’s name and calling her Angel instead. Brilliant. But dear Fairy-Rock-Father, thank you most for using your rock-star powers to bless my life with unspeakable awesomeness. As we parted, I wished you good luck with your music (since you obviously weren’t really interested in the Graphic Design Position) and you wished me luck with mine. I wistfully said I wished that I had more time to really work on it!... – you hushed me loudly as I uttered this, leaned in uncomfortably close to my face, and whispered that the time was mine!…then ceremoniously THUMPED MY FOREHEAD with your finger! “your wish is granted,” you told me as you backed away with your arms stretched out to the heavens, “I’ve granted your wish!...”
‘Believing in your fairy-rock-father - isn’t it about…time?’

To The Royal Chef with B-O:
I’ve never had the imperial honor of being so completely insulted by someone who was either being so blatantly rude, inappropriate or socially awkward. You are too magnanimous! By way of apology, I’m sorry if I didn’t seem sufficiently awed or obsequious to have been graced by your noble presence when I learned you are a culinary arts major. I beg humble forgiveness. I also ask pardon that I was confused and a little speechless when you interrupted me (as I was telling you we’d love to speak to your programmer friend) in order to ask me in your drawl tone, “your job is to….attract people to the booth and, um...tell them things, isn’t it?” I was so struck by your stately grace that I could only stammer, “…well, yes, I get to tell people about our company…” before you butt back in to continue, “…and I don’t just mean physically, you know…” as you gave my outfit (I hope) a long significant look-over. Then you cut me off before I began my peasantry-babble again to announce, “you’re in…HR, aren’t you?” I could only nod, for I realized I was too unworthy to speak at that point. “I KNEW it,” you gloriously soliloquized, “you’re obviously not technical – so you couldn’t be a programmer. Therefore you had to be someone else from an office…like someone’s secretary (another significant look)…or HR.” I count myself grateful that you then turned and walked away at that point or else my undeserving hand surely would have found its way to your grand and grubby cheek with a loud, resounding CRACK! Thank you, your magestic highness, for culminating all of my professional achievements into being nothing more than a booth babe.
Cause you’re so hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh high above me, you’re so ugly!…

Happy job hunting everyone!

Ps. a quick note on this University – their customer service to the companies attending was EXCELLENT! I was completely impressed with them – even if I was less-than-impressed with some of their student offerings…

Pps. stay tuned for tomorrow’s career fair memoirs from the next university I visit!

Wednesday, September 22

letters to greg

*warning: if you don't know who Greg Behrendt or Liz Tuccillio are, go read their book. it's the bible of dating. the end.)

Dear Greg,
So I meet this guy and we really hit it off! We talked for several hours and he helped me take my car to the shop all in the same night. It was really fun! I didn’t hear from him for a while, but I figured he knew where to find me if he wanted to. A few weeks later, he asked me out! Awesome, right? The way it should be, right? Well Greg, I’m disappointed because the entire date he barely spoke to me, never attempted to open my door (and let the doors close behind him in my face) and literally left without a word when the show was over – I had to run through the crowd to catch up with him to get a ride home!...but here’s the crazy thing – he seemed to think that was totally acceptable behavior! I’m not high maintenance, Greg – truly, I’m not – but I’m pretty sure I deserve better treatment than that, don’t I? My friends say it’s probably because he never saw his father treat his mother well and he was nervous, so maybe I should go out with him again to help teach him how to treat girls like ladies. Should I chalk his poor behavior up to nerves and upbringing or just assume he’s not into me? But if he’s not into me, then why did he ask me out?

Dear Not-High-Maintenance,
Being ungentlemanly is being ungentlemanly, and it sounds like you’re the kind of girl who wants to date and eventually marry a gentleman. Is it possible that he came from a broken home that was seriously lacking in affection and etiquette and that he’s NEVER, in his entire life’s experience, EVER had someone suggest he open a door for a girl?... Possibly. But it sounds to me like he’s either already let you know how he really feels about you or how he really feels about women. Could you stick around and be a pal to help him learn the art of treating women well? Sure, but it sounds like a dangerous game to me when the very first buds of a possible friendship or relationship are accompanied with your needing to CHANGE the guy. Why did he ask you out, you ask? Well, you ARE an amazing and foxy woman – it’s possible he was hoping he’d feel more for you than apparently he realized he does. Or maybe he really IS into you but treated you like crap because of “issues.” Either way, you’re still being treated like less than you deserve. Even if he were truly into you, he’s certainly not compatible with you because you are looking for, and deserve, a true gentleman. Now, go put on something pretty, enjoy your afternoon tea and make time for a man who will offer to pour it for you.
Hugs from here,

Dear Greg,
Ok, listen to this one, Greg. I run into a guy I haven’t seen in a while at a dance. He remembers my name, asks me all these questions about how I’m doing, what I’m up to, why haven’t we seen each other and tells me how glad he is to see me. He’s a really sweet and fantastic guy. Then he pulls out his phone and asks for my number. I was surprised and pleased that a guy could be so direct – especially when I’d expect him to be shyer than most! So I gave him my number, he called my phone to make sure I had his, and we parted ways for most of the dance. Later as I was leaving, we hugged and I said we should hang out sometime. He emphatically agreed and said he would LOVE that – but then proceeded to inform me that his whole world had been up in the air since he lost his planner, so if I didn’t hear from him for over a month, it really is because he forgot. Wait, huh? I get that I shouldn’t call him, but seriously? What just happened here?

Dear All-Planned-Out,
Wow. That’s a switch – going from “let me program you into my phone!” to “I guarantee I won’t remember you (or the fact that you’re in my phone) for at least a month!” Ouch. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again – guys don’t forget how much they like you. Period. Men don’t need Franklin Covey to remind them when they’re truly into someone. They especially don’t PLAN to forget the women they enjoy being around. If he could look far enough ahead to know he was going to forget to call, then it’s not forgetting. Honestly? It sounds to me like between your sweet reunion and goodbye hugs he found a tastier morsel to pursue at the dance. But take heart, disco diva, you’ve saved yourself a lot of time and self-respect by NOT allowing yourself to wait around for him to call and be the mambo man of your dreams. You’re a sexy rock star and a guy whose attention is really on YOU will be rocked to the core by it! Crank up the music and have some fun!

Dear Greg,
So I met this great guy at a big singles event and we spent most of the evening together talking. He’s really nice and super smart, which I find very attractive. We had a fantastic time and I offered to help him network for a project he’s involved in. I felt silly suggesting he get my number, so I gave him my full name and told him to find me on facebook. Greg, I’m sure it’s no shock to you, but he never found or added me. My friend thinks I should track him down and add him anyway – she says I have to do my part to let him know I’m interested – but I’m wondering if I already have my answer on this one. Just not that into me? Or maybe he’s not a facebooker? Or maybe my security settings are too high and he can’t find me?!...No?

Dear Not-In-Stalk,
I think you already have your answer too, but let’s do the math anyway: Showed clear and honest interest? Check! Add direct and simple means of finding you? Check! Add a professional need to get in touch with you? CHECK! Now, add the knowledge that he knows what ward you go to, then SUBTRACT the last, most crucial, and largest factor – WHETHER OR NOT HE FOUND YOU. Whichever way you cut it, it looks like you’re comin up short in the ‘actually into you’ dept. Results are in – sounds like he’s just not that into you. Seriously, though – men enjoy getting what they want, even (or maybe especially) when there are obstacles involved. They may not scheme like women, but they WILL pursue and find the women they’re interested in, even if it means a few extra mins on a social networking device they don’t normally use. I am quite sure he has a sister, mother or female acquaintance that could help him stalk you down even if he wasn’t much of a ‘facebooker’ himself. A foxy woman like yourself should be out having fun – not waiting by the refresh button on your browser. So get out there and enjoy yourself!
Still listening,

Wednesday, September 15

gas station karaoke

i was out of gas
and it was cold.

i was in a hurry
and i pulled up to a more pricey AND shadey gas station
simply becauase it was on my way,
i was in a hurry,
and i really didn't want to end up on the side of the road
in the very near future.

...did i mention i was in a hurry?

i hopped out of the car,
wishing it were better lit,
but thanking the heavens for card readers!...

...until i realized they were all out of order.

"pre-pay only until further notice."


i went inside and impatiently stood
behind the other 2 souls
who had wound up at this forsaken place
and avoided contact with everyone -
including the scary-looking kid in the tobacco section
and very emotionless cashier with a nose ring.

i wanted to grumble
(ok, maybe i did)
when finally i stopped focusing on me
and realized
Michael Buble's soothing tones were serenading me
in that dingy little gas station!

it was heaven!

immediately everything changed and i could see in my mind's eye
Michael and i dancing around the gas station
with confetti falling,
patrons singing and swaying,
and the emotionless casheir jumping up onto the counter
and bustin a move!

i could see it all!...

...now, if you know me at all,
you MUST know whats coming next.

...i couldn't help myself!

i was suddenly so blissfully calm
and magically not stressed out anymore,
that as i reached for some motor oil to add to my purchase,
i heard someone who sounded very much like me
singing along - nay, HARMONIZING - with the radio!

"yeaaaaaaaaah, i just haven't met you yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet...!"

i realized with a jolt what was going on
when i felt tobacco-section kid
take my arm and turn me so we were face to face.

i wasn't singing anymore.

nobody was.

they were all looking at me.

...and i think i'd turned to stone.

which is really inconvenient, because i turned to stone with the tobacco-kid still looking me squarely in the eye.

i prayed he'd kill me quickly.

and finally he said,

"miss...you have a really beautiful voice!"

"yeah!" emotionless cashier chimed in with a smile, "you should come sing when im on shift more often!"

all of which was accompanied by a positive murmur from the other patrons and general laughter from everyone in the little store! the rest of my 5 min there were spent chatting, well-wishing, and saying goodnight to everyone - suddenly i was surprised at how quickly my "inconvenient, time-wasting stop" had passed!

and you know, there wasn't any confetti
(and Michael certainly hadn't shown up to dance with me!),
but it almost felt the same. :)

so thank you, sweet tobacco-section boy,
for giving an honestly strange stranger
an honest and sweet compliment!

i'm glad that i met you yet! :)

Sunday, September 12

the not-so-spiritual moment of my conference...

i don't believe in pity parties.

the confetti is always puce
(which actually means "flea" in french - noting the bug's reddish/purplish-brown color)
the cookies are always dry
and the ice cream has already been melted and re-frozen so its sticky and gross.

in short, they're lame.

so, as a general rule, i make great efforts to avoid them
and today was a perfect example
of how awesome
i DON'T succeed
at doing that sometimes.

an exciting morning of regional conference got off to a mildly bumpy start
when i first realized that i had come with two couples.
(my married cousin and her husband
and my roommate with her new beau.)

'well, that's ok. i'm a big girl! who needs a boy? i get to sit with lots of people i love!'

then, without warning,
the glacially-harvested air conditioning started pouring down.
quickly and heroicly, both of the men in our small party shed their jackets to save the shivering damsels.

i sat in the middle with no such assistance.

but i had no reason to dispair! my cousin had me skootch over and share the jacket with her!

'see?' says me, 'i am loved enough by all - i dont need a date to give me his jacket!'

and so we hunkered down, prepared to endure until the long conference hours had passed.

but it is a rather squishy life for two women under one thin man's jacket.

it didn't take me long to realize that by allowing me to try and fit my knees under the protection of the suitcoat, my cousin was not staying warm.
and due to the small area of waist-coat refuge i was using, i wasn't retaining any heat either.
(blast that nasty breeze biting at out ankles!)

so i admitted defeat, braved the bitter storm and returned to my original position -
completely stripped of any shelter from the winter air that even a few shreds of a suit can provide.

...but i had lost my seat.

according to mathatical principles i cannot explain,
the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
and when all of our hips had been facing forward,
their straight lines had provided just enough room for us all.

but with the fierce, icy winds decending mercilessly from the vents above,
both couples on either side had angled themselves towards each other
to trap in and save precious heat.
it was a matter of survival now.

and darwin's theory states that the unfit will never make it.

the math was simple but i never saw it coming.
newly angled hips = what was once room enough for one
was now big enough for none.

i was going to fall.

i glanced to my right as i inched dangerously closer to the edge -
but there was nothing their frigid gushy smiles could do!...
i glanced to my left, about to cry for help as i saw the impending ledge coming near!...
...but they were powerless to save me, as their arms were holding tight to each other!!...

i clawed desperately for something to keep me a-benched, but it was too late!....

and just before i slipped off of the wooden cliff to my frozen doom,
i glaced up at the servant of God on the screen before me and thought,
'well...i guess YOU'RE my date, then, Packer!"

bring on the confetti.

Wednesday, September 8

this isn't an apology

hello little blog!
yes, its really me!!
and yes, i realize its been forever since i wrote!
and no,
im not going to spend a post apologizing and promising to never do it again :)
(cause really, lets be honest here, it probably will! lol)
and now!
in no particular order at all!...
...here's 5 life-lights i thought you'd enjoy written on you!:
1) i absolutely love my new place! it was tragically discovered this week that i'm deathly allergic to my headboard, but other than that, my room, my roommies, and my rockin ward are a joy!
2) family scripture study and prayer are a MUST! seriously, i always "knew" but i didn't KNOW how important it is! it makes all the difference in a united home. thank heaven for a wise Father, awesome parents and wonderful roommates!
3) bra-shopping is absolutely less than ZERO fun - finding the right bra, however, is cloud NINE heaven. i don't particularly like the math, but there it is. the end.
4) i am FINALLY caught up on my facebook pics! all major events (minus Mexico pics which josh has on his computer) are up and i can now enjoy being a paparazzi again without the weight on my mind of when/how i'll ever get them organized! :D yay!
5) i've discovered email relationships with old friends is completely wonderful and very therapudic! little bite-sized chunks of life, love and other mysteries bounce back and forth for everyone's enjoyment! :D
(actually, if we're going to be honest here, that's probably why i haven't been writing on YOU, sweet little bloggy - i've had somewhere else to type out my thoughts and funnies! i considered cutting/pasting my emails in here, but then we get into the sticky realm of what is or isn't too personal to share...so, yeah. that's that - lol!)
6) pillow fights are my new favorite thing after a movie! i have successfully won myself a goose-egg during one and a collection of colorful bruises from others - the battles were EPIC! :D
7) having my own bathroom and cleaning products has changed EVERYTHING. no joke - i cleaned my bathroom last week FOR FUN. what?! yes - FOR FUN! i was about to hop in the shower after a run and thought, "well, while im still dirty!..." and set out to scrub down my little world. :) mother dear, be proud!!
8) i tried rollerskating again for the first time in about 2 decades - it was awesome!...and when i say awesome, i mean the sight of me struck awe and horror into those nearby - if they saw the train wreck coming at all! lol :) bless the poor souls who tried to help teach me and were rewarded by getting dragged down with me every 10 seconds! LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL!
9) i have glasses now that are gorgeous AND functional! :D i actually WEAR them around town! i pretty much have the alluring prude look down and i'm currently working on my sexy librarian smolder. watch out, world! i just don't know if you're ready for this! ;)
10) i am taking the HR Certification course right now which will eat up several hours of my wednesdays for the next 12 weeks and will cost me over $200 to take the test, but i am SO STOKED! yes! yes! i can't do anything good! :D
(especially when my amazing boss believes i can - i am so stinkin blessed!)
and there you have it, my blogette! :D
i hope this has helped satisfy your curiosity as to where i've been and how i've been doing since we last posted together.
cause yes, it really has been a while.
and yes, i missed you too.
now go to bed, silly blog!