long-lost journal entry...

forgive me, i'm going to share something a little more personal today.

i found an old email i sent to myself called "moths and lilacs" -
it was a journal entry that i typed out via email for some reason then completely forgot about.

so here it is - the names have been removed, so simply be aware that right before this took place, i had been in the company of a couple whose marriage i was unhappy about. i didn't think they were really compatible and it worried me.



-------------------------------------------------------


5-2008

... i'd been there an hour or so and i was considering leaving when
i got a charly horse in my leg, so i left to walk it out.

as i walked around their neighborhood, i sang to myself - singing
about how i never would have guessed a year or even a few months ago
that things would have changed so much and ended up as they had,
wondering if it was just that i was human that i don't like change or
if it was just me. :}

i never would have guessed that people i cared
about would decide to marry people that i don't want for them. i
wouldnt have guessed that i would still be single and not even really
interested in anyone after a few months short of two years of being
home from my mission.

i was singing about stuff like that, wondering if they were really
happy together and if they would actually be happy married to
eachother - but at the same time reminding myself that their lives
arent mine, and even if I wouldnt be happy in their place, THEY ARE,
which is all that really counts, in the end, right?

so as i was wandering around like that, i ended up at the chapel near their house and i walked by a lilac bush. I stopped to look at it cause it was really beautiful, and i like them!, when i noticed that the bush was covered with enormous moths. (i nearly thought they were bumble bees at
first, which almost scared me off)

i stood there and watched them, wondering what was going on, and i realized that they were drinking from the tiny lilac flowers. there were 3 huge moths whose tounges i
could actually SEE extending out as they hovered in the air nearby
(kinda like humming birds) and sticking down into the itty bitty
flowers!

i stood there a little awe-struck. how could it be that moths so big
would be able to get food from such a tiny flower? how could they have
been designed so perfectly that their tounges went right inside and
found what they needed? how on earth could they KNOW that THAT flower
fit them? how could it be so simple - that they could just
live and what they needed is provided?

then the lyrics from 'consider the lillies' came into my head, so i
sang that to myself....and the moths, instead of my ponderings.

could it really be that simple? just live and trust that you'll always
find/recieve what you need? just live and trust that Heavenly Father
knows what everyone else needs too? is it possible that there was
really something/someone bigger that knows exactly which insects and
flowers were made for eachother and could direct them to eachother for
their mutual benefit, that also knows exactly which people were best suited
for eachother and could be trusted to direct them to eachother for
their mutual benefit and happiness?

...apparently, yes.

i wanted to stay there as long as i could watching the moths drink,
but once 'consider' was over, my foot had finally stopped hurting, and
i think the moths were done having me serenade them. :}

so i grabbed some lilacs and went back, feeling much better
than i had before about them, life, and me.

it wasn't something huge, but it was a sweet little moment for me.
Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. and if he cares enough to
detail out which lowly moths and simple flowers would go best
together, He certainly cares enough to have made plans and details for
my life (that i don't/can't understand yet) and what is best for me.
(not to mention those around me who i love)

God lives. sometimes i forget that He's Living and still paying
attention to the details, i guess. :} i'm grateful He loves me. I know
He does.

He loves me enough to send me some lilacs and moths - who would have
known (other than Him) that that was exactly what i needed tonight? :)

------------------------------------------------------------------

and the award goes to!...

POLL RESULTS!

"is your life best described by..."

my reactions:

1) i was completley surprised at the first-place tie for international drama and tim burton! who knew my friends live such fantastical and awesome lives?! o wait - i guess i did - that's why i like you!...

2) i wonder who the sole male figure was who read my blog and voted for an explosive action film...

3) i am encouraged by the fact that more than one person (namely, my cousin) voted for the 90's family sit com (which was written for her)! :D the world must still be a wholesome place!

4) i'm secretly glad more women view their lives as a comedy than a chick flick - not even sure why...

5) i am THRILLED that 17 people voted on our my-life-as-a-movie-poll!! :D thanks for reading and voting everyone!

in the grateful words of Sally Field,

you like me! you really like me!

off to the pub!

this is a bit late,

but for st patty's day this year,

it was TIME for a

traditional IRISH DRINKING CONTEST!!

me against 11 guys

CHUG CHUG CHUG!! o wait - and WHO won?!

ME!!

never underestimate the power of a determined gorgeous woman!
march is almost over -

may the luck-o'the-irish stay with ye

throughout the rest o'the year!

GRADUATION!

graduation is on the horizon and it has kind of forced me to reevaluate what it means to be me.

what it means to be happy!

i live a full and busy life as a student and it gives me a lot of satisfaction!

for as taxing as it has been to work to put myself through school, take full-time classes, have a calling, participate in my ward, spend time with my family and still have a social life (which i couldn’t live without!) – it has been a wonderful and exciting experience. i have truly loved it!

but arriving at graduation marks the end of the ‘student’ identity i’ve always lived by.

and no longer being a student kind of pulls the rug out from under how i’ve always kind of defined myself.

i mean, who am i if i’ve left that forgivable state of “growing up” and suddenly i’m supposed to BE “something”...or "someone"?

i’m not just someone’s daughter anymore, i’ve outgrown that as a defining title, and being a sister is part of me but doesn’t take into account other life experiences. i’m not someone’s wife yet, nor anyone’s mother. and what's more, i’m certainly not my job, because the closer i get to graduation, the more i see i would like to experience (and would be good at) A LOT of different kinds of work!

logically, work can't be the defining factor - no matter how many people think it is after you graduate.

because, if that were the case, who will i be when i want to try decorating cakes for a living? and then be an event coordinator? i am a rockin HR manager, but you know, i’m not sure if i’ll go back into it. what if i taught English to Portuguese speakers or vice-versa? did you know i’d love to write a book and teach workshops on marriage relationships and/or loving yourself?! would that make me an author or a counselor? and am i none of those things – a teacher, decorator, coordinator, counselor, author, artist, hr manager, etc – if i went into modeling?

...and when you come down to it – can ANY of those titles, even the non-work associated ones, really define you?

i mean, i AM someone’s daughter, sister, friend, etc, but do any ONE of those capture “ME”?

who, in one all-encompassing word, am i supposed to BE now?!

...so that’s what i’ve been thinking about.

and i've decided that it really isn’t about

BEING something at all.

because i do not BECOME my work.

and for that matter, i cannot simply BE someone, not even ME,

because i am always changing!!

then what is it about?

…i think it’s who we’re becoming.

Becoming TODAY – right NOW!

today, am i choosing to become a fuller, more open, loving me?
am i living today, whatever i do in it/wherever it is done,

like it matters and that it’s helping me reach my goals?

…goals....

maybe that’s the key!

if our goals of who we are striving to be revolve around a title

like “wife” or “CEO”,

then we may be unhappy or lost in the interim

when we AREN’T those things yet (or possibly, ever).

i think that’s why heavenly father gave us a glimpse of the plan –

so we’d have something greater,

something more all-encompassing

of ALL of our life experiences
to aim for!

I AM A GODDESS IN TRAINING!! :D

we are ALL gods and goddesses in training!!

when we understand that no matter where we go, what occupation we fill, who we are with, or when we pass those 'personal landmarks' we are still in the process of BECOMING a god or goddess, it puts it all a little more into perspective. :)

basically, when we live in such a way that we're

on the road to becoming that goal,

then it doesn't matter what given, outward, or extra-cirricular titles we try on.
because

"all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good!" (D&C 122:7)

let's close with a quote that i absolutely love about not limiting yourself to a definition...

"That's one thing I've learned in all my years watching earth...is that people aren't what they may seem. There are shop boys, and there are boys who just happen to work in shops for the time being. And trust me Tristan, you're no shop boy.” - stardust

BOO-YA! :D

world, HERE I COME!

my secret wish

last night i dreamt i slapped a guy
so today i have to come clean -

i've always secretly wanted to that!

i realize i'd never actually
WANT
to be in a situation where it was needed!...

(ex: an encounter with a scary stranger,
a a guy who gets fresh with me,
or someone insulting me
SO deeply that i actually felt it was nessecary)

...but i can't deny
that part of me wishes i could try it! ;)

anyone else feel the same?

a moment of silence...

goodbye sweet thomas house -

how i loved thee!...

mush and ping-pong

when i was 15, i slipped coming down a wet hill after PE and destroyed my ankle.
it was agony.
my lower leg, ankel and foot all swelled to about 3 x their normal size
and remained so for well over a month.

my sweet sister rushed me to the hospital to get help and a diagnosis.

after all the tests and xrays, the dr finally came in to discuss my injury.
"well," he said, as he clucked his tounge and shook his head, "it isn't broken. but that's actually the BAD news."
"because, as it is," he continued, "there's nothing i can do to help."

here's what he proceeded to explain to me:

had i fallen in such a way that i had broken a bone, probably very little damage would have been done to the ligaments and tissues of my foot. broken bones are painful, yes, and broken hands and feet are tricky to heal, HOWEVER, clean bone breaks have a fast and clean recovery compared to ligament damage. i had managed to keep my bones in tact but had consequently ripped all the muscles, tissues, and ligaments to shreds.

"sometimes we can help speed along recovery by repairing some ligaments with surgery, but at this point...its all mush in there. there's nothing left to 'repair'. i'm sorry. the recovery is going to be a really long one....a long and painful one."

i was shocked.

i still remember his last regretful statement,
"it would have been better if you'd broken it."

this was on my mind because i am re-listening to an audio book this week that changed my life, called "he's just not that into you!"
this morning's section?
'dumping a guy who cheats on you and believing a guy who tells you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.'

i have watched so many wonderful people put themselves though weeks, months, and sadly, even YEARS of unhappiness because they refused to give failed relationships a clean break.

here's what happens after a break-up:

the dumper feels guilty, the dumpee feels rejected.
the dumper wants to make the dumpee feel better by sticking around to reassure them they're great...either that, or they're just lonely and the dumpee is a comfortable fall-back.
and the dumpee doesn't want the dumper to go because that would mean they MEANT it when they said, either in words or in actions, "you're just not the one."

as a result,

they continue to "hang out" and "be pals" and without time for personal healing.
(or WORSE, continue to cuddle, hand-hold, or even kiss without an actual, HONEST and CLEAR renewed committment)
and all the while the dumpee is secretly hoping that all this continued affection means that the dumper really DID love them all along, and that he was just having a brief collapse of mental sanity when he said he didn't want to date anymore.

and in the meantime, you both get to go through the agony of watching eachother date or NOT date - miss you or NOT miss you - move on or NOT move on.
our feelings and lives stay tangled up together, so instead of feeling regret, remorse, guilt, anxiety, frusteration, jealousy, and rejection ONCE, you get to feel it CONSTANTLY.

that is, at best, emotionally exhausting.
at worst, it's emotional suicide.

this kind of non-committal, self-inflicted, confusing behavior is like shredding and mushing up all the tender little connections and emotions of your heart. everything is a big, throbbing mess of indecision and insecurity and it HURTS.
my dr said it to me and i'm going to say it to all of you,
"it would have been better if you'd just broken it!"
seriously. a good CLEAN break the moment one or both of you decides its over - you will BOTH be happier for it. YOU will heal WORLDS faster for it!

but we all want to be the cool dumpee, right? the one who is totally SO secure with herself that she doesn't need space - she can still be friends and stuff with her ex's. she's totally unaffected! no one has to change their lives or routine for her - she's not that crazy chick who has to respect her emotional needs by disentangling her social life from her ex's and take care of herself. cause she's classy like that, right? RIGHT?

WRONG!

while im aware that everyone mourns and moves on differently, i firmly belive that any relationship where there were tender feelings shared (even one-sided ones) it is best to take a true emotional and physical break from eachother - for both of your sakes.

as greg put it,

"Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with (or constantly hang out with!) the guy (or girl) who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on."

just because you give a person and the relationship a clean break doesnt mean you have to hate them, can't think/hope the best for them from a distance, or that you're a psycho.
clean breaks mean you respect yourself and that other person enough to make the bigger sacrifice now for a happier life for both of you in the future.

and depending on the situation, you may be able to re-establish a truly plutonic frienship with a former boyfriend/girlfriend;

how long it will take to arrive at that place is bewteen you and the Lord,

but PLEASE do NOT be decieved by the "crappy lonely phase!!"

you know, the period you go through as either the dumper or dumpee where you just MISS companionship. you miss what you had.

the "crappy lonely phase" is not a valid reason to re-initiate a close-contact friendship or the relationship.

from my experience, this is when most ping-pong couples get back together after breaking up. then after dating again for a while, they remember why they're incompatable, and they break up. then they get lonely or bored and get back together. then remember again that they're miserable. and break up...are you seeing the vicious cycle here?

is that what ANY of us want?!

remember,
it is NOT enough to simply be missed!

as greg taught me,

"Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you."

breaking up sucks. it really does. its hard to let go of a friend and relationship that you loved - especially when the person who left us is usually not a bad person,
they're often just not that into us.

and thats ok.

because there is someone who will be MORE loving and compatible, someone who really will be THAT into us, waiting out there!
but we will ONLY find them if we're willing to do ourselves a loving favor and give the old relationship a healthy, clean break.

lets all of us who are single commit - no more mushy. no more ping-pong!

we are WORTH it!

i'm melting?...

can someone PLEASE explain this to me??

forgetting the inconvenience it causes

every time i open the fridge here at work and it falls out,

(after which i always graciously put it on the counter,

even though it always ends up

back where it will surely fall again

when i next go to fetch my lunch!...)

it STILL begs the question:

...WHY?

Free VALIDATION

i absolutely love this short!

firstly, because it's funny,
and secondly, cause you should

NEVER underestimate the Power of Positive/Kind Words!




have YOU validated someone today? :)

hollywood moments: THE STALKER!

does anyone else frequently wonder
if they're living in a bad movie?
not because my life is bad,
but because often i find myself in some of the most
unbelieveably impossible situations!

last weekend was one of those moments.


THIS WEEK'S EPISODE:
The Stalker

the scene opens with emily chatting over facebook with her roommate...

sara: emily, do you know prof x?

emily: who's that?

sara: *sigh* he's incredibly attractive! and single!

emily: oo la la! ;)

sara: and his hair is AMAZING!

here our heroine looks up prof x on facebook. he's a lanky, handsome professor rockin the 70s-retro look with shaggy hair.

emily: lol! is he your teacher?

sara: no - i see him everyday cause i study outside his office.

emily: you should tell him how you feel about him ;)

sara: i should - he should know that he and his hair are appreciated!

emily: do it! :D send him a facebook message!

sara: NO WAY! lol i'd die! YOU do it!

emily: LOL! ok!


and she proceeds to write a short, humorous message to prof x informing him that she knows someone (who isn't a student of his) who thinks he should know that 'he and his hair are appeciated!" and sends it.

this is the moment in any film
where we all know that somehow,
at some moment,
this will come back to bite our
mischevious heroine.


she, however, didn't.


fastforward a day and we see emily with her best friend,
when they have a most brilliant idea.

"hey!" emily exclaims, "let's go somewhere tonight we've never been before and try food we've never ordered before! somewhere totally random!"

"awesome!" kim agrees, "let's try this thai place my roommate loves!..."

"done!"

the scene cuts and we see our two lovely characters coming in out of the cold
into a tiny, spice-filled restaurant.
emily is laughing, relating some crazy story from her day,

when she looks up,

her eyes widen,

her face reads dread,

and we can tell,
fate has finally bitten!


we all know what happens now:

she gasps in horror and hides her face
and momentarily wonders if she should make a run for it.

(then i had to smother my laughter)


for there, just a few feet in front of me,

in all his retro-glory,
sat prof x,
enjoying an evening of thai food with another professor!!


after ducking where she couldnt be seen,
her behavior was explained to kim,
they both went into a fit of laughter.
and emily prophesies,
"this is punishment! fate is going to seat us RIGHT next to him out of spite! and when he sees me, the poor man is going to be scared out of his mind that he has a legit stalker who has tracked him down at his favorite thai place!"

more laughter ensues, until they are called by the waitress and find themselves being led to the other side of the room...

"ooooh no!...."

and closer...

"this can't be happening!" emily hissed

and closer!...

"you're gonna HAVE to introduce yourself if we sit next to him, em - there's no other option!"

and CLOSER!...

"no freaking way!..."

...until they were mercifully seated with just one table separting them from the infamous prof x!


i nearly collapsed from relief!
we couldnt stop laughing for an hour!

and so, with my back firmly faced to him,
we enjoyed our curry and pan suie
and had a lovely evening!


(only briefly averting my face when he made his exit past our table)


and end scene.











...can you spot the professor? ;)

the jury (YOU) is in!...

opening statement:

today i come before the court to put forth my curious case

and ask for a sound judgement.

the debate:

is there an unseen mechanism that cycles my dating life

or am i just crazy?

the plea:

i seem to live in a precisely timed pattern of

feast and famine

in relation to men

(and i really dont think im crazy)!

the facts:

1) i'm a fun, spunky, pleasant, charming, hilarious, easy-going, easily-entertained, open, flirtatious, honest, driven, musical, and pretty much AWESOME girl!

2) my awesomness and ME-ness is unchangeable.

3) despite popular belief, there ARE lots of great men out there, no matter where you are.

4) wherever i am, i always look for great men to befriend.

5) each period, be it feast or famine, lasts roughly a semester.

6) feasting periods constist of being surrounded by lots of interestING and interestED men and, in two instances within the timeline given below, leading to an official relationship.

7) famine periods are the complete opposite. in every way.

the evidence:

(aka: timeline since i returned from my mission)

fall 06 - feast

winter 07 - feast

summer 07 - famine

fall 07 - feast

winter 08 - famine

summer 08 - mixed

fall 08 - feast

winter 09 - famine

summer 09 - feast (in brazil)

fall 09 - famine

winter 10 - feast

*exceptions to note:

- back-to-back periods of feasting immediately following my mission are attributed to the 1.5 YEARS of famine experienced in brazil.

- summer of 08 was an abnormally evenly eventful summer. no diagnostics as to why yet.

- feast of summer 09 in brazil was my internship, not something related to my mission...just in case you were wondering :)

really, take a look - the pattern is scarily consistent!

for the record:

i am not, in any way, intending to complain -

i have an adventurous, fun, happy life

whether feasting or famine-ing

and im grateful for the periods of feast that i enjoy

as well as all the wonderful men who are a part of it!

the real issue in question is whether this mechanical-esque trend is normal or not.

closing remarks:

i beg the judge and jury to consider my case and ask themselves,

really, is this normal??

if a girl in consistently wonderful, and it has been proven that her wonderfulness is appealing to men, shouldn't it logically follow that her appeal to men should be consistent as well?

and if so, can we assume there is a higher force at play causing these fluxuations in my dating life!?

what is your verdict?

FACT: God has a sense of humor!...

today is my first day back at work
(since the dismal attempt last monday)
and, really,
i have to laugh.

(well, either laugh or shake my fist at the sky,
so i'm choosing to laugh.)

dealing with the residual affects of my
labrynthitis means that
being at work is exhausting,
i need to wall-check when i walk
and focusing on paperwork is hard,
but i'm HERE! :D

so, if the day wasn't going to be difficult enough,
it appears as though the Heavens were needing some
cheap entertainment -

cause here i am,
still tipsy like a drunk,
now suffering from
sudden, sporadic and URGENT needs
to run to the ladies' room!!...

...which is down the hall

...and down a flight of steep stairs

...and down another hall

...tucked in a corner.

i am quite the site,
i'm sure.

and it wouldn't be truly funny if it only happened
ONCE -
of course not!
every 20-30 min
is MUCH funnier!!
LOL!
o, how they must be ROARING up there!!!
you guys are HILARIOUS!

o, and in case you were wondering,
the elevator is conveniently located
on the opposite end of the building
from both my office
AND the only bathroom
in this glorious edifice.

seiously,
when God makes a funny,
it is funny!
LOL!