long-lost journal entry...

forgive me, i'm going to share something a little more personal today.

i found an old email i sent to myself called "moths and lilacs" -
it was a journal entry that i typed out via email for some reason then completely forgot about.

so here it is - the names have been removed, so simply be aware that right before this took place, i had been in the company of a couple whose marriage i was unhappy about. i didn't think they were really compatible and it worried me.



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5-2008

... i'd been there an hour or so and i was considering leaving when
i got a charly horse in my leg, so i left to walk it out.

as i walked around their neighborhood, i sang to myself - singing
about how i never would have guessed a year or even a few months ago
that things would have changed so much and ended up as they had,
wondering if it was just that i was human that i don't like change or
if it was just me. :}

i never would have guessed that people i cared
about would decide to marry people that i don't want for them. i
wouldnt have guessed that i would still be single and not even really
interested in anyone after a few months short of two years of being
home from my mission.

i was singing about stuff like that, wondering if they were really
happy together and if they would actually be happy married to
eachother - but at the same time reminding myself that their lives
arent mine, and even if I wouldnt be happy in their place, THEY ARE,
which is all that really counts, in the end, right?

so as i was wandering around like that, i ended up at the chapel near their house and i walked by a lilac bush. I stopped to look at it cause it was really beautiful, and i like them!, when i noticed that the bush was covered with enormous moths. (i nearly thought they were bumble bees at
first, which almost scared me off)

i stood there and watched them, wondering what was going on, and i realized that they were drinking from the tiny lilac flowers. there were 3 huge moths whose tounges i
could actually SEE extending out as they hovered in the air nearby
(kinda like humming birds) and sticking down into the itty bitty
flowers!

i stood there a little awe-struck. how could it be that moths so big
would be able to get food from such a tiny flower? how could they have
been designed so perfectly that their tounges went right inside and
found what they needed? how on earth could they KNOW that THAT flower
fit them? how could it be so simple - that they could just
live and what they needed is provided?

then the lyrics from 'consider the lillies' came into my head, so i
sang that to myself....and the moths, instead of my ponderings.

could it really be that simple? just live and trust that you'll always
find/recieve what you need? just live and trust that Heavenly Father
knows what everyone else needs too? is it possible that there was
really something/someone bigger that knows exactly which insects and
flowers were made for eachother and could direct them to eachother for
their mutual benefit, that also knows exactly which people were best suited
for eachother and could be trusted to direct them to eachother for
their mutual benefit and happiness?

...apparently, yes.

i wanted to stay there as long as i could watching the moths drink,
but once 'consider' was over, my foot had finally stopped hurting, and
i think the moths were done having me serenade them. :}

so i grabbed some lilacs and went back, feeling much better
than i had before about them, life, and me.

it wasn't something huge, but it was a sweet little moment for me.
Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. and if he cares enough to
detail out which lowly moths and simple flowers would go best
together, He certainly cares enough to have made plans and details for
my life (that i don't/can't understand yet) and what is best for me.
(not to mention those around me who i love)

God lives. sometimes i forget that He's Living and still paying
attention to the details, i guess. :} i'm grateful He loves me. I know
He does.

He loves me enough to send me some lilacs and moths - who would have
known (other than Him) that that was exactly what i needed tonight? :)

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