mush and ping-pong

when i was 15, i slipped coming down a wet hill after PE and destroyed my ankle.
it was agony.
my lower leg, ankel and foot all swelled to about 3 x their normal size
and remained so for well over a month.

my sweet sister rushed me to the hospital to get help and a diagnosis.

after all the tests and xrays, the dr finally came in to discuss my injury.
"well," he said, as he clucked his tounge and shook his head, "it isn't broken. but that's actually the BAD news."
"because, as it is," he continued, "there's nothing i can do to help."

here's what he proceeded to explain to me:

had i fallen in such a way that i had broken a bone, probably very little damage would have been done to the ligaments and tissues of my foot. broken bones are painful, yes, and broken hands and feet are tricky to heal, HOWEVER, clean bone breaks have a fast and clean recovery compared to ligament damage. i had managed to keep my bones in tact but had consequently ripped all the muscles, tissues, and ligaments to shreds.

"sometimes we can help speed along recovery by repairing some ligaments with surgery, but at this point...its all mush in there. there's nothing left to 'repair'. i'm sorry. the recovery is going to be a really long one....a long and painful one."

i was shocked.

i still remember his last regretful statement,
"it would have been better if you'd broken it."

this was on my mind because i am re-listening to an audio book this week that changed my life, called "he's just not that into you!"
this morning's section?
'dumping a guy who cheats on you and believing a guy who tells you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.'

i have watched so many wonderful people put themselves though weeks, months, and sadly, even YEARS of unhappiness because they refused to give failed relationships a clean break.

here's what happens after a break-up:

the dumper feels guilty, the dumpee feels rejected.
the dumper wants to make the dumpee feel better by sticking around to reassure them they're great...either that, or they're just lonely and the dumpee is a comfortable fall-back.
and the dumpee doesn't want the dumper to go because that would mean they MEANT it when they said, either in words or in actions, "you're just not the one."

as a result,

they continue to "hang out" and "be pals" and without time for personal healing.
(or WORSE, continue to cuddle, hand-hold, or even kiss without an actual, HONEST and CLEAR renewed committment)
and all the while the dumpee is secretly hoping that all this continued affection means that the dumper really DID love them all along, and that he was just having a brief collapse of mental sanity when he said he didn't want to date anymore.

and in the meantime, you both get to go through the agony of watching eachother date or NOT date - miss you or NOT miss you - move on or NOT move on.
our feelings and lives stay tangled up together, so instead of feeling regret, remorse, guilt, anxiety, frusteration, jealousy, and rejection ONCE, you get to feel it CONSTANTLY.

that is, at best, emotionally exhausting.
at worst, it's emotional suicide.

this kind of non-committal, self-inflicted, confusing behavior is like shredding and mushing up all the tender little connections and emotions of your heart. everything is a big, throbbing mess of indecision and insecurity and it HURTS.
my dr said it to me and i'm going to say it to all of you,
"it would have been better if you'd just broken it!"
seriously. a good CLEAN break the moment one or both of you decides its over - you will BOTH be happier for it. YOU will heal WORLDS faster for it!

but we all want to be the cool dumpee, right? the one who is totally SO secure with herself that she doesn't need space - she can still be friends and stuff with her ex's. she's totally unaffected! no one has to change their lives or routine for her - she's not that crazy chick who has to respect her emotional needs by disentangling her social life from her ex's and take care of herself. cause she's classy like that, right? RIGHT?

WRONG!

while im aware that everyone mourns and moves on differently, i firmly belive that any relationship where there were tender feelings shared (even one-sided ones) it is best to take a true emotional and physical break from eachother - for both of your sakes.

as greg put it,

"Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with (or constantly hang out with!) the guy (or girl) who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on."

just because you give a person and the relationship a clean break doesnt mean you have to hate them, can't think/hope the best for them from a distance, or that you're a psycho.
clean breaks mean you respect yourself and that other person enough to make the bigger sacrifice now for a happier life for both of you in the future.

and depending on the situation, you may be able to re-establish a truly plutonic frienship with a former boyfriend/girlfriend;

how long it will take to arrive at that place is bewteen you and the Lord,

but PLEASE do NOT be decieved by the "crappy lonely phase!!"

you know, the period you go through as either the dumper or dumpee where you just MISS companionship. you miss what you had.

the "crappy lonely phase" is not a valid reason to re-initiate a close-contact friendship or the relationship.

from my experience, this is when most ping-pong couples get back together after breaking up. then after dating again for a while, they remember why they're incompatable, and they break up. then they get lonely or bored and get back together. then remember again that they're miserable. and break up...are you seeing the vicious cycle here?

is that what ANY of us want?!

remember,
it is NOT enough to simply be missed!

as greg taught me,

"Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you."

breaking up sucks. it really does. its hard to let go of a friend and relationship that you loved - especially when the person who left us is usually not a bad person,
they're often just not that into us.

and thats ok.

because there is someone who will be MORE loving and compatible, someone who really will be THAT into us, waiting out there!
but we will ONLY find them if we're willing to do ourselves a loving favor and give the old relationship a healthy, clean break.

lets all of us who are single commit - no more mushy. no more ping-pong!

we are WORTH it!